I hate her, I hate her, I HATE HER!!! I hope she dies and goes to hell and suffers endless pain and that she can be down there and watch me up here, being with Ashley and having fun and finally realizes that she belongs no where near us!! What she did this time was so low she should be underground, why hasn’t she sunk through the floor yet?! I’m filled with hate, I hope she notices I’m staring at her and that she feels really fucking uncomfortable, that she’s afraid to move, afraid to even swallow. Then I hope she does something really embarrassing because she’s so nervous and I hope everyone mocks her for it, like people did to me in my old class. I used to say that I’d never wish that kind of pain on anyone, not even on my worst enemy but you know what? I take it back, I AM SO DONE WITH LEILA AND HER FUCKING PSYCHOTICNESS. I wish that kind of pain her, I really do, and yes I realize that this makes me no better then her but I can honestly not give a flying fuck anymore cause I am so fed up that I’m boiling inside. It’s not even remotely funny anymore, I can’t laugh at this. I want to punch a wall in, no, better yet, I want to punch her face in and mess up that smug fucking grin on her face. Just hearing her voice fuels my hate, it’s got my whole body shaking, literally shaking.
I remember this time I tried being with Janet and her friends…
It was a Thursday because I remember we had advanced english in the morning. Me and Janet were alone together that lesson and it was nice and all but then when we were going back to the classroom I was looking for something in my photo album on my phone and she spotted a picture of herself. It was a picture she had sent me a long time ago and quite frankly it was a really pretty picture but due to self hate I’m guessing she doesn’t really feel the same….. Anyways, she basically tried to take my phone and delete it but I wouldn’t let her and so she got pissed and said she wasn’t speaking to me anymore, I know it seems silly but I was crushed, just hearing those words hurt like hell… Desperate as I am I took her hand and told her is hold it till she was speaking to me again. We got to the classroom and her friends were there. I don’t mind them and I actually wish I could be with them but I don’t feel welcome in their group, everything I say feels stupid and they look at me like… I don’t even know… It was lunch time and since Janet and I both only have school till lunch due to depression we were both going home. Her friends wanted to follow her to the bus and I told her to wait for me but her friends just came in between and made me let go of her hand. They left and I had to walk to the bus alone…. That moment when they had just left and the door slammed shut behind them, it was horrible. That slam felt like a shot to the chest…
On my way to the bus my ex boyfriend called, it was one of his usual calls where he starts out sorry and then when I don’t forgive him he gets really mean.. I usually don’t answer his calls but I was sad and needy and wasn’t thinking clearly. I felt like I deserved those words; you’re heartless, stupid and disgusting… I cried over everything that’d happened, as any normal human being I avoid crying in public but I just couldn’t help it this time. I had gone to another bus stop then Janet had because I didn’t wanna face her…. Of course we got on the same bus and she kept texting me till I answered, she asked me what was wrong and I told her what’d happened but not that what she had done was the reason I answered that call in the first place or that it hurt. I ended up in her arms, crying….
Thinking back now I wish I had told her: “No, I’m not going to tell you what’s wrong because you dissed me. And that’s fine, I can’t stop you from doing that, but at least keep it that way. Don’t go changing your mind every 5 seconds cause it’s really, fucking with my head.”
I know thinking back to the past won’t help nor change it, I had my chance to be pissed about it and I didn’t take it. Just gotta suck it up and pretend everything’s okay.
Can I please get some sleep now?
Well fuck you too, brain.
So here’s what’s gonna happen; This is my new diary. I don’t give a flying fuck if you like it or not cause you know what? YOU DON’T HAVE TO READ IT! *mind blown*
Today was horrible. Elsa was here and we played truth and dare (again), I asked her if she liked anyone or had a crush on anyone or something like that… and guess what?? She said…. Nope (AGAIN). So here’s my question; Why the hell is she all over me? Kissing and hugging and making out with me all the time if she doesn’t even have the slightest bit of romantic feelings for me? Ugh, fuck her and her insensitivity.
I mean, okay fine, I love Janet and she knows that so maybe she’s just afraid of getting hurt but.. If she just told me she liked me I’d be all over her in no time. Whatever, can’t deal.
In other news, Janet is having another huge break down and refuses to talk to me. I think I might have gave her the really stupid idea of picking up smoking, good job me, good job…..*sarcastic clap* /.-
I miss getting naked with Janet. I felt attractive and desirable during those moments, and happy…. I was actually happy. I’m happy with her. She makes me happy. I miss her. Haven’t seen her in 2 weeks and 4 days now…… God, I’m so miserable without her.
Started listening to Nirvana, actually a really good band. Lithium is my fav song by them for the moment.
I like sleep.